- Morning Coffee: Waking up is hard. But it shouldn’t cost $4.75.
- Afternoon Coffee: You have an addiction. Maybe you should stop.
- Eating Out: I don’t know if it’s laziness, time, or convenience, but I always manage to convince myself that I’m contributing to the economy, so it’s okay. In reality, it’s a huge waste of money and largely due to poor weekly planning.
- Bottled Water: I once saw a bottle of water labeled “Fat Free”. Still haunts me to this day.
- Significant Others: They drain your time, money, and courage- sometimes your will to live. I want to tell you that it’s not that bad, but it is. Because you will get older, and you might marry someone, and you might have babies. And babies do not give a flying fuck about that Porsche you’ve been eying. They’ll just weigh on you as cute little financial burdens, which you will use in friendly rivalries with the other parents– “we’ll mine has straight ‘A’s and speaks Portuguese”. That baby will grow up, beg for college tuition, then ask you to keep paying their cell phone bill, which you’ll do, because when they leave you, it’d be nice if they could call once a week until you die. This just turned more depressing version of The Giving Tree, but I’ll get back to the point. Relationships from start to finish cost a lot of money… generally.
- Gifts for the “Holiday” Season: Unless you’re getting one for me.
- Clothes: Completely unnecessary. I can name all the people who don’t wear them: Adam, Eve, Greeks according a many statues, nudists according to many colonies, porn stars in the latter half of their routine, Mystique from X-Men, me from ages 1-3 (I could not be tamed)… I can keep going but I feel like we’re on the same page here.
- Birthday Parties: For anyone past the age of 16 because it just turns into “Sam, you’re 25, why do you need a velcro wall and an inflatable jumper that costs $500?” Because the older you get, the less exciting a room full of your peers, a shit ton of vodka, and Christopher being slutty with himself before puking on your couch gets. Hence, why don’t we switch it up by letting him puke in the jumper?
- Cards: They bring me such joy but cost about 3-7 dollars.
- Target: Fuck you, Target. I walk in for one thing. I walk out with 17.
- Name brand Items: For example…
- Laundry detergent – I maintain that Tide smells better.
- Apple computers – I’ve been led to believe Apple is superior, but I don’t know why. I should high five their marketing team then hand them each a twenty dollar bill. Again, I don’t know why.
- Nike kicks – Gotta look fly as I walk my broke ass home, also need to update my terminology to this century.
- Hopes and dreams: College degree, I’m looking at you, if I could find you. I think you’re packed away somewhere in my mother’s garage. I should give her a call.
Chances are, if you’re reading this sentence and have made it past this comma, or this next one, you’re already bored. Dammit, how did they know?
I know because I too was like you once… I’m lying. I’m still like you. In fact, I’m so bored I’m not even typing anymore. In order to write this, I’m using a robot-automated version of myself, which I’ve implanted with my personality flaws (we’ll call them eccentricities) and memories (we’ll call them vague interpretations of the truth). But if you’ve gotten this far, you’ll realize that I’m lying again. And now, we can’t trust me. Did we really expect this relationship to last long? I had hopes. I’ll admit it. But I’ve left you with something: the investigation of the probability of transferring our consciousness into a body that cannot die.
I think they made a movie about this recently. That movie bombed. It bombed so hard. Why? Probably because it would make much more sense to transfer our consciousness into a species of cockroaches. Would it? Yes. Have you ever seen a cockroach die? Yes? Maybe? No. That’s what they want you to think. They could survive the nuclear holocaust. Hell, they could survive a Thanksgiving dinner with my aunt Eileen. Granted, there would be some drawbacks to our new physical form, but we must sacrifice for immortality.
In fact, we should sacrifice the idea all together. Because we’d do it and find out that the cockroaches had a mindfulness all of their own. Their little bodies would explode from the all out mental warfare of two entities occupying the same space. It would be as though we had somehow possessed the entire cockroach race. And in doing so, we would destroy our kind and theirs, leaving much too much room on this planet for the dolphins and the apes, which we all know are up to something. Luckily, I have a degree in liberal arts, so I know all of this to be true.
This is why I can’t ‘science’.
If you’re sitting at a 9-5 contemplating the meaning of life in between answering the phone, then congratulations on adult life. We made it. Sort of. With most desk jobs these days, it seems that companies have kept the long hours of yesteryear while ignoring the advents of technology. What realistically takes 3 hours, someone has given me an entire day to do. A sophisticated computer program could do my job. Which also begs the question of “why was it so hard to get this position?”
To avoid a downward spiral of depression, I turn to the internet. Luckily no one monitors what I do during the day, or I would have no idea how to pass the time. Really, no idea. When I’ve finished my work load, I’m chained to a desk. Should I complain? Probably not. It’s pure mahogany. Also, they’re paying me. Also, they might fire me. And I can’t get fired because I need money to fund the lifestyle I’ve chosen and the student loans I’m paying after buying a piece of paper with a university logo at the top that qualified me for the job that shouldn’t require any sort of degree. I think part of the problem is that I want a built in challenge to my job. I want to be learning, growing, and absorbing something new every day. That’s not happening right now, so I sift through Reddit.
- Reddit – Reddit is the forefront for internet trends. In fact, it creates trends. I don’t know how to illustrate this animal, so I defer: Reddit describes itself as “User-generated news links.” If you’re too lazy to read, go to Imgur.
- Imgur – Hosts images from all over the internet – gifs, memes, photography, etc… No greater way to accidentally waste three hours of your time. You’ll smile, laugh, sympathize, cry, etc…
- Buzzfeed – All the buzz is on Buzzfeed. They stay on top of what’s relevant in news, entertainment, and social spheres. It’s a fun and easy way to keep in touch with pop culture and trending ideas. Any Reddit user might get angry at me for saying so.
- Facebook – This gets us into the real life drama. FB keeps you up to date on who’s being racist, religious, or happily in love because we all know you have seven cats, are deep into astrology, and don’t see race (but, really?). Personally stalking old acquaintances can be fun. Maybe you care, maybe you don’t. Maybe they make feel better about your life or maybe all the pictures of European travel and sweet freedom make you cry at night. Let’s be honest. In the event that it’s a downer (you never should have gone on Facebook), even out that empty feeling by going to…
- The BBC – Why? Because it’s not CNN. Reading about what’s going on in the world is a great way to put perspective on things. Right now the front page covers race riots, mass genocide, and soccer. Is that breakup you’re going through still looking so bad? Stay tuned next week.
- Pinterest – Reading the news may call for a pick-me-up. Pinterest is the best source of motivation. DIY projects, recipes to try, fitness motivation, you name it. No one’s trying to troll you on Pinterest… I think.
- Deadline Hollywood – The ins and outs of the Hollywood shuffle. Keeps you up to date of what’s buying/selling, what executive is moving where, and so on… Maybe it’s an ‘industry’ thing and no one in the outside world cares. On the other end of the spectrum try…
- Vice.com – Vice won me over with their HBO docu series. The writing can get a bit sardonic, but they their writers pick the most interesting subjects to explore. Some of their recent articles deal with Ukrainian Unrest, Polish Reggae, Professional Poo Divers, and How to Avoid Being an Exploding Corpse When You Die. Trust me, they won an Emmy. This shit is good.
It’s amazing how one email, text, or tweet makes you feel like you’re the shit. You have people who NEED you. Is it work, friends, a significant other? Is it time sensitive? Someone is waiting for your response. Trust the urgency. You’re important. What’s not important is the person sitting on the other side of the dinner table or partaking in any real life activity at hand. Fuck that guy. There is no way they’re going to give you the validity or self-fulfillment you feel from the constant chatter of your phone.
So often I’ve been at the receiving end of being ignored.
We’re at a high-end burger joint. I think she’s checking Instagram to see if anyone’s commented on an artistically angled snapshot of her food. Granted it’s a beautiful twelve-dollar hamburger, and someone should definitely document it in order to justify this kind of purchase on a budget like mine. But she chose the wrong filter, exercising green and red tones similar to bile and blood. It’s strange how watching someone do this for ten minutes doesn’t bother me as much as it would have five years ago. What used to be an offensive gesture has morphed into a social norm. I’ve calmed down a bit on the issue and conceded that it rarely has anything to do with me (what a terribly boring companion I make) and everything to do with a drug-level addiction my generation has to constant attention- the feeling of being important, having something better to do. This mass ADD forces me to be interesting at a rate far beyond my capability. Alas, someone pulls out a phone.
Occasionally, there will be the imminent threat of a boss, emailing about god knows what at 9 pm on a Saturday. Here I understand. It happens, especially since technology has made any employee accessible far beyond work hours. We’ve become slaves to our jobs and to our smartphones. A generous amount of anxiety comes from the attempt to not immediately answer what could potentially be an urgent message. I’ll even admit that when I leave my cell at home it feels like I’ve lost an appendage or my mind.
I miss conversations where I had the right to bore my counterpart, to have an interaction full of awkward pauses, and the pressure to keep a conversation going. Where are the days of eating in silence while staring at one another? I’m kidding… mostly. I’ll just always think of it as poor manners to be on your phone while out with someone, unless you specifically told them that you’re waiting for something important. And I never know if it’s bad manners to call the person, who is glued to their phone, out on it. I don’t think Facebook or Twitter justify you being an asshole. Call me old fashioned, but it’s true.