Ways We Waste Money Without Really Thinking About It

By Carli Jean via Unsplash

Photo by Carli Jean via Unsplash

  1. Morning Coffee: Waking up is hard. But it shouldn’t cost $4.75.
  2. Afternoon Coffee: You have an addiction. Maybe you should stop.
  3. Eating Out: I don’t know if it’s laziness, time, or convenience, but I always manage to convince myself that I’m contributing to the economy, so it’s okay. In reality, it’s a huge waste of money and largely due to poor weekly planning.
  4. Bottled Water: I once saw a bottle of water labeled “Fat Free”. Still haunts me to this day.
  5. Significant Others: They drain your time, money, and courage- sometimes your will to live. I want to tell you that it’s not that bad, but it is. Because you will get older, and you might marry someone, and you might have babies. And babies do not give a flying fuck about that Porsche you’ve been eying. They’ll just weigh on you as cute little financial burdens, which you will use in friendly rivalries with the other parents– “we’ll mine has straight ‘A’s and speaks Portuguese”. That baby will grow up, beg for college tuition, then ask you to keep paying their cell phone bill, which you’ll do, because when they leave you, it’d be nice if they could call once a week until you die. This just turned more depressing version of The Giving Tree, but I’ll get back to the point. Relationships from start to finish cost a lot of money… generally.
  6. Gifts for the “Holiday” Season: Unless you’re getting one for me.
  7. Clothes: Completely unnecessary. I can name all the people who don’t wear them: Adam, Eve, Greeks according a many statues, nudists according to many colonies, porn stars in the latter half of their routine, Mystique from X-Men, me from ages 1-3 (I could not be tamed)… I can keep going but I feel like we’re on the same page here.
  8. Birthday Parties: For anyone past the age of 16 because it just turns into “Sam, you’re 25, why do you need a velcro wall and an inflatable jumper that costs $500?” Because the older you get, the less exciting a room full of your peers, a shit ton of vodka, and Christopher being slutty with himself before puking on your couch gets. Hence, why don’t we switch it up by letting him puke in the jumper?
  9. Cards: They bring me such joy but cost about 3-7 dollars.
  10. Target: Fuck you, Target. I walk in for one thing. I walk out with 17.
  11. Name brand Items: For example…
    1. Laundry detergent – I maintain that Tide smells better.
    2. Apple computers – I’ve been led to believe Apple is superior, but I don’t know why. I should high five their marketing team then hand them each a twenty dollar bill. Again, I don’t know why.
    3. Nike kicks – Gotta look fly as I walk my broke ass home, also need to update my terminology to this century.
  12. Hopes and dreams: College degree, I’m looking at you, if I could find you. I think you’re packed away somewhere in my mother’s garage. I should give her a call.
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